Facebook taken over by TSA

In what has been described as a “friendly, sort of” takeover, the social networking site Facebook has been merged into the Transportation Security Administration (TSA).

The announcement was made in Terminal C of Newark Airport. After reporters and their personal items were screened, they were allowed to line up 12-deep to hear the head of the TSA, John T. Pistol, announce that Mark Zuckerberg had arrived at an “understanding” after several hours of enhanced frisking and being run repeatedly through a high-intensity X-ray machine.

“It was obvious that our attempts to protect the American people were simply not enough. Senior citizens were sometimes boarding planes without being subject to public humiliation, and once a right-wing blogger named Benjamin Jefferson Washington actually boarded a flight in Milwaukee before he showed up on our ‘No Fly’ list.

“Now, with Facebook, we’ll be able to extend our protective arms well beyond the airport, and monitor virtually all Americans in real-time. Except young males from certain Middle Eastern countries, of course – that would be social profiling.”

Changes to the Facebook interfaced were already evident this week, with subtle wording changes (Edit my Profile is now Profile Me) and random pop-up interrogation boxes for those who upload any photos. Also, each Facebook user is required to undergo a hands-on patdown by a TSA employee before changing any user information on their profile. “Instead of a captcha, we’re going to use a gotcha. Way better!” said Pistol.

The most controversial change involved the threat of uploading naked pictures taken in TSA scanners to user profiles. “We’ll have all your full-body X-ray pictures stored and matched to your Facebook profile, and if any user does something wrong, we figure we’ll just randomly expose 1,000 others by changing their profile picture to the bare view for 24 hours. That way, we won’t be profiling any individual or group, while still maintaining a focus on the privates of the individual.”

Asked about the issue  of violations of privacy, Pistol stared blankly ahead for a few moments, then replied, “Why do you think we chose Facebook, anyway?”

Scanner image credit

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See prior spoofs :>}

Zuckerberg announces new Facebook Implants

While all the tech press was drooling over the idea of Facebook email, founder Mark Zuckerberg pulled a fast one with his announcement today of Facebook Implants.

“Email is so last century,” declared Zuckerberg at the standing-room-only press conference. “It requires thought, typing, even hitting a send button. We’re all about going forward, not backward.

“Starting today, with a Facebook Implant, you can upload every vital and trivial factoid about yourself automatically to your timeline, with no effort whatsoever.”

The Implant device, which looks like a pacemaker sporting rabbit ears, is placed subcutaneously in the body and constantly records blood pressure, anger levels, senior moments, caffeine highs, speeding in school zones, jealous thoughts, and gall bladder performance. These are tied to GPS coordinates and an atomic clock buried in a secret location in Colorado, and every bit of information is continuously uploaded as a Facebook status.

“Users kept telling us that they wanted less effort, so we created the ultimate mobile update device. Now all of your friends can be tuned immediately into your every mood shift, without so much as thinking about a keyboard or mouse.”

Asked about potential privacy issues with 24/7 upload of every scrap of personal information, Zuckerberg paused, then replied, “I guess we might want to think about creating a couple hundred more settings for that, now that I think about it. Privacy is very important for us, of course. It’s always the first thing we consider.”

When questioned if all the leaks about a Facebook email service were all a diversion, Zuckerberg gave a lopsided grin and announced, “Nah – we just bought Compuserve. I can give you more details if you just email me at 35821.9567@compuserve.com”

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See prior spoofs :>}

How to Eliminate 68% of Useless Twitter Traffic in One Blog Post

Look – we all know there’s way too much repetitive noise drowning out the useful signal on Twitter.

Let’s slice it in half (+18% bonus!) with one fell swoop:

1. Social media is changing the world! >It sure is.

2. People want to be part of the conversation! >Yes, they do indeed.

3. It’s all about transparency and authenticity! >Good. Let’s do that.

4. Traditional (marketers/media people/grandmas/teens) don’t get it. >OK. So we have work to do.

5. Bacon, chocolate, and coffee are good. Karaoke is fun. Air travel, however, rots. >Check.

6. (fill-in-the-blank) is dead. >Well, if it’s not yet, it will be.

7. Guy Kawasaki is not a virtuous user of Twitter. Yes, he is. >OK, opinions will differ.

8. RT RT RT RT RT RT The Gulf of Mexico is on fire!! >Yes, we know. That news is a few RT cycles old now.

9. My Twitter horoscope today says… >No-one cares.

10. Get more blog traffic with useless Top 10 lists peppered with dubious statistics and lying linkbait >Thanks for that.

See – that was easy! Next time you’re tempted to tweet one of the above, simply link to this post instead and save everybody the trouble. I’ve even made it easy for you (just cut/paste into Twitter): I’m cutting down useless Twitter traffic with http://bit.ly/Eliminate68

;>} What would you add to get us to 73%??

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12 Reasons Why You Clicked on This Link

1. It was a slightly intriguing, but ultimately meaningless title, and the world needs more of that.

2. This could very well have been the next big internet meme – who wants to miss out on that?

3. 11 reasons are insufficient, and 13 is unlucky. But twelve is good.

4. You thought it just might increase your FCIQ (Fast Company Influence Quotient).

5. You’ve been Rick-rolled 736 times, and figured you could move past Gloria Smyznykowski by getting to 737.

6. Somebody you trusted forwarded it to you. So it must be good.

7. It was there. In a tweet. Begging to be clicked. And you gave in.

8. (this reason intentionally left blank)

9. You’d click on ANY link that you think might get you a $15.5M dollar inheritance from Kenya. Alas – you’ll have to buy a lottery ticket.

10. It was on the internet, so it must be true.

11. You are either for or against global warming, and clicking seemed like a good idea for some reason.

12. You don’t take yourself too seriously.

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19 Seconds of Pure Joy

What happens when a 1-year old pup encounters her first serious snow of the season?

Pure joy. For everyone.

(Also see: A Collection of 2009 Fun Links)

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2009 – Links you Might Enjoy (again?)

I have a bookmark folder in my browser called Stuff. It’s where I put interesting, weird, and funny stuff to spice up various posts.

So, here’s a collection of some of that Stuff from the past year. Eleven links – because I’ve had enough Top 10 lists! Enjoy!

Since you’ll need a cup of coffee to browse through all these, we’ll start with 50 Beautifully Delicious Coffee Designs

50 Brilliant and Creative Advertisements for your Inspiration

Worst album covers of all time

YouTube – blast into space, spectacular fall to earth.

The Big Picture from Boston.com – Human Landscapes

The Crisis of Credit visualized (a brilliant animation explaining the financial meltdown)

13 Fantastic and Fun Image Generators

Incredible pictures formed by thousands of soldiers

YouTube – comedian Brian Regan on Airline Stuff

Rain

60 Stunning Satellite photos of earth

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Mystic Speaks

I was quite surprised to discover this week that my dog, Mystic, is actually considered to be quite the successful marketer in her circle of influence. In fact, she has quite a social network, and, as I discovered when I sat down to interview her (between doggie treats and luxurious naps), dogs can teach us a lot about influence and branding.

Me: Mystic, you seem to be pretty popular in the neighborhood after one year. What would you say is the essence of your Personal Brand?

Mystic: Well, for me it’s all about what we call canine benchmarking. It was clear in our walks around town that best practices in the area of impression management meant a head held high, a glossy coat, and turn-key approach to adding value by sniffing backsides. The rest just takes care of itself.

Me: Did you approach this challenge by trying to define your own niche, or did you seek synergistic partnerships with other leading canines?

Mystic: I took a both-and approach. Obviously, when you’re a startup, you’ve got to achieve some sort of critical mass, so I made sure to relieve myself in the sight of some of the bark-leaders in the neighborhood. Eventually, once I had some best-of-breed backers, I had to recontextualize in order to unleash my own brand positioning. Which usually involves lying on my side and drooling.

Me: What metrics do you use to ensure that your brand is top-of-mind, and not mired in the long tail?

Mystic: Just remember two words. No, not “Down, Girl!” Trend Analysis. All the canines in this vertical maximize insights from these data points.

Me: Final question: I’ve been told that you – and perhaps some other influencers in your sub-group – roll around in your own…you know, doo-doo. What’s up with that?

Mystic: Every dog quickly learns about leveraging recurring assets. When the input/output ratio is unbalanced in the supply chain, you have to morph past deliverables into current value-added resources.

Me: In other words, you just harness back-end action items to produce a fresh brand presentation.

Mystic: Exactly. Can I go out and pee now??

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