Zuckerberg announces new Facebook Implants
November 15, 2010 3 Comments
“Email is so last century,” declared Zuckerberg at the standing-room-only press conference. “It requires thought, typing, even hitting a send button. We’re all about going forward, not backward.
“Starting today, with a Facebook Implant, you can upload every vital and trivial factoid about yourself automatically to your timeline, with no effort whatsoever.”
The Implant device, which looks like a pacemaker sporting rabbit ears, is placed subcutaneously in the body and constantly records blood pressure, anger levels, senior moments, caffeine highs, speeding in school zones, jealous thoughts, and gall bladder performance. These are tied to GPS coordinates and an atomic clock buried in a secret location in Colorado, and every bit of information is continuously uploaded as a Facebook status.
“Users kept telling us that they wanted less effort, so we created the ultimate mobile update device. Now all of your friends can be tuned immediately into your every mood shift, without so much as thinking about a keyboard or mouse.”
Asked about potential privacy issues with 24/7 upload of every scrap of personal information, Zuckerberg paused, then replied, “I guess we might want to think about creating a couple hundred more settings for that, now that I think about it. Privacy is very important for us, of course. It’s always the first thing we consider.”
When questioned if all the leaks about a Facebook email service were all a diversion, Zuckerberg gave a lopsided grin and announced, “Nah – we just bought Compuserve. I can give you more details if you just email me at email@example.com”
See prior spoofs :>}