White House nukes LA to get fresh earthquake photos – Obama apologetic

nukeRealizing that the Administration did not have any fresh, updated photos of earthquake disasters, chief of staff Rahm Emmanuel today secretly ordered the destruction of most of Los Angeles by dropping a thermonuclear bomb in order to trigger a massive earthquake.

The city is now a glowing ruin, with casualty estimates in the millions. However, “we got some really great aerial shots, since our entire fleet of F-15’s was deployed with high-speed cameras. A few – well, actually 23 – planes were incinerated in the event, but with live satellite feeds, those who had the nearest-angle shots actually gave their lives for something worthy – great close-ups of an earthquake-inducing mushroom cloud captured via live satellite feed. Awesome!”

quakeThose not instantly killed by the thermonuclear explosion were buried under tons of rubble by the Richter 8.8 quake which followed, leaving a 34-mile valley of destruction coursing across Southern California. Remote cameras had been set up in advance to capture the carnage, and some of the shots “rivalled our best footage of Air Force One circling Lady Liberty!” exalted Emmanuel, clearly pleased that his careful planning had paid off.

Rumors that Hugo Chavez’ latest book was airdropped over the stricken city just before the cataclysmic blast were promptly denied. However, Arlen Specter is said to be re-considering his switch to the Democratic party, because “I’ve already got Three Mile Island hanging over me. Now this? I’m toxic enough already!”

Al Gore immediately chartered a private jet to fly over the area on a mission of mercy, dropping coupons for carbon credits on any surviving victims who may be concerned about the impact of nuclear fallout on climate change. “It was the least I could do,” stated Mr Gore, before jetting off to another celebrity-studded Save the Earth gabfest. Meanwhile, a swarm of ACORN community organizers donned hazmat suits and spread throughout the affected area, restoring polling places and registering the dead for the next election cycle.

obamaReporters were careful not to fault President Obama for the event, as there really had been a great need for better disaster images which was met by the carefully-orchestrated photo op. Nonetheless, the President did apologize, promising a prompt review by a blue-ribbon panel of congressional supporters who will ultimately blame FEMA and former President Bush for the fiasco. Obama is tapping former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin and former Illinois governer Rod Blagojevich to head up re-construction efforts.

The handful of surviving residents of Los Angeles were infuriated by the episode, but ultimately supported the President, realizing that the damage was nothing a few quadrillion dollars of debt couldn’t fix. The Obama plan to nationalize Hollywood will actually continue to move forward, however, with Bank of America being secretly charged to buy the distressed assets of the immolated industry.

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Steve Woodruff is a blogger, a Connection Agent, and a consultant in the pharma/healthcare industry. He specializes in helping people and companies make mutually beneficial connections.

9 Responses to White House nukes LA to get fresh earthquake photos – Obama apologetic

  1. Mellissa Shepherd says:

    That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day … maybe all week! Thanks for the laugh.

    Mellissa

  2. I seriously thought this was an Onion piece when I first saw Ike’s tweet. Do they work with freelancers? I would love to see this over there!

  3. Victorseo says:

    waste of time

    • Thomas Ho says:

      WOW! Steve really “nailed it”

      Did Obama take as much time to apologize for the Statue of Liberty flyover as he took to (try to) ridicule Tea Party participants? I’m certainly looking forward to the next Tea Party!

      Obama certainly has a “short memory” because he can’t seem to recall that his own successful candidacy relied on the same type of grassroots organizing & social media techniques that are building the Tea Party movement. That’s probably why he’s so “fearful” of Tea Parties because he realizes how they can bring “real” CHANGE that would limit his power!

      When I was more liberal, I thought that President Reagan was just playing another acting role, but now I see a President who is merely a “talking head” who is lost without a teleprompter and even tries to script press conferences! His flip-flops on possible prosecution of Bush administration officials makes me wonder WHO is really “pulling his strings” ?

  4. spoofing at its best

  5. Cam Beck says:

    Great stuff, Steve.

  6. Brandon Cox says:

    I just read this out loud off my phone to three of my buddies. We’re in a church van headed to a Christian Men’s Retreat, and we have shotguns in the back for skeet shooting. Having laughed so hard at this will certainly land us on some kind of list. ;)

  7. Wayne says:

    I think I’m a little upset that it isn’t true. I’m ready to die, bring it on Obama. Hit me with your best nuke.

    Many of us will be much happier once it’s done.

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